Life is filled with twists and turns. One day it is so perfect and the next, it is all gloomy. But these valleys, cliffs and mountains make life exciting. For some, what I call ‘excitement’ is emotional stress.
Shortly after Anne’s ‘MUTUAL POLYGAMY’ story was published, (read Anne’s Story) a 63-year old Willie called us requesting assistance to get his wife back. Willie loves and dotes at his wife. He should, because Constance, a paradigm of beauty and brains, is 47 years old – 16 years younger than her husband. For the purpose of this expose, I want to first submit Willie’s perspective in this emotional tango.
Willie, a widower, met ‘delectable’ Constance who was a Product Marketing Professional. Willie is cut out of the old stock of money and style. Willie is from a ‘Wealthy’ family – wealthy from every perspective and consideration. Left with four (4) children by his first love, Monique, who died after ‘a brief illness’, Willie was excited when Constance accepted to marry him.
Constance, a First Class graduate of Economics ‘worships’ as well as ‘fears’ her husband. She is not allowed to contradict him, otherwise, face financial sanctions or have some privileges denied. They have been married for about seven (7) years and have a five-year-old son, Brian who Willie loves very much. Willie’s other children from Monique are adults and live on their own. His daughter Yvonne (35) never supported her father’s choice, as she wanted her father to either marry a widow or a divorcee with children. Yvonne believes Constance married her father for his money and could not be trusted.
According to Willie, “I know she is having an affair with a younger man. I know because she no longer spends time at home with us (myself and Brian). She comes home late from work daily. When I was very sick and hospitalized, she refused to visit me at the hospital, but travelled to another state for some ‘urgent and critical official’ work. She does not come into our bedroom anymore, but complains she needs to stay up late to work…I am not a small boy, I know something is wrong. I love my wife, and I need help to get her back”.
Willie was really moist speaking with us. To show his desire to get to the bottom of this crisis of confidence and resolve issues with his wife, he gave us a number we could reach Constance on…. And we did speak with her.
Constance confessed she has emotional interests outside her matrimonial home due to “emotional abuse”. According to her, Willie always makes reference to “how much he bought the car; how much he bought my hair; how much my allowances are costing him and why I should be glad he married me in spite of pressures from his children.”
“My husband makes veiled references to my background. Yes, I come from a very humble background. Call us poor. Yes, I wanted my family to benefit from the relationship. And, Willie has been good to my family. However, constantly reminding me of these things is harassing me emotionally… I am not happy about the situation. I am not thinking divorce because my son is attached to my husband. I am an emotional wreck right now and really confused.
“I care deeply about Willie, but I am not sure I love him in the real sense of the word LOVE. For me love died with my first love, Victor, who left me for another woman. I just wanted to have a companion who was older than me and could pamper me like my late father. Willie fitted the bill, but his daily disrespect and abuse is driving me mad. I am not an illiterate…his daughter is also not helping in this regard. I had to look for ‘sanity’ elsewhere’ – my work.”
Constance decided to focus on her career and was assigned a Mentor/Coach at her office – as part of Personnel Development program by the Human Resources Department. Her Mentor/Coach, Michael (52) is divorced and lives with his three children. Michael has been a source of encouragement to Constance. Between them, personal confidences have been shared – and something ‘BIG’ is growing gradually…
Constance spoke with candor about her ‘involvement’ with Michael, but believes that she was ‘driven into another man’s arms by her husband.
In her own words: “There is no denying the fact that I find Michael attractive and fun to be with. He respects me and does not judge me. I don’t walk or stand on edge when I am with him. He is very supportive professionally and my productivity at work has really improved. He gives me a sense of emotional stability and professional confidence…. Do I love him? I don’t know…but he is definitely not a ‘fling’. I am looking at a deep friendship. One thing I am sure about is, I don’t want to stay with a man who sees me as an ACQUISITION…. I thought he could change, but he gets worse each day…”
Could lack of sex be the issue? Constance says “Not really…but it is contributory. When you marry, it is for “better” or “worse”. If lack of sex is the ‘worse’ part of your marriage vows due to his health challenge, there are other ways to make up…. Sex is not everything”. However, Willie believes that his inability to make love to his wife regularly, and gradual loss of libido is a major factor…
Critical Questions: How can we help Willie and Constance regain an emotional balance? Is Michael playing a negative role in this Marriage?
Two things are clear: Willie wants his Wife back; but Constance wants her Dignity back!!!
———————————————————-
Dear Constance,
Sessions with you were emotion-laden. We appreciate your openness and honesty as you opened up on the “emotional entrapment called marriage”. We agree you have had a ‘frightful’ marriage, but it was a relationship you entered willingly.
You submitted that you did NOT MARRY FOR LOVE. That is truly sad for a well-educated young woman of 40 (when you married Willie). An African proverb says: “he who gathers ant-infested firewood should be ready for the dance’. You further admitted that you married for the money in order to help your family. These reasons led to how you were perceived by Willie and her children. You sacrificed love on the altar of self-aggrandizement and ‘family pressure’.
These reasons are enough reasons for Willie’s family members to be apprehensive of your ‘interest in poor Willie who had recently lost his beloved Monique.
Understandably, Yvonne, your stepdaughter is sensitive about the situation. Daughters have the natural tendency to be over protective of their parents – especially, their father. Thus, you need to understand Yvonne and make an effort reassure her that you truly love and care for her father (if you have eventually grown to love Willie) – to the best of you ability. This is not to suggest that you have to grovel and beg her to be on your side. Always steer the path of PEACE as there is never a bad peace.
Another issue is Communication. Despite your faulty entry into marriage with Willie, it is expected that communication channels be open. No desperate desire to be married to a wealthy man should make a wife unable to discuss issues with her husband.
Without sentiments, I hold you responsible for the accepting years of emotional abuse, emotional battery and, sometimes, physical abuse you suffered in your marriage. Your quest for ‘the elegant lifestyle of the wealthy and famous’ kept you encapsulated. Rather than make effort to free yourself via counseling, you found an ‘escape in work and Michael…” You return daily to a “mansion of agony” to traumatize Willie with jealousy. You are using Michael to satisfy your sexual needs; this is not fair to Michael who is ignorant of the situation, as you do not love him.
You cannot solve a problem by creating another. Thus, you need to:
- Introspect and tell yourself the hard truth about your situation;
- A marriage without love is COHABITATION. If that is what you want, accept all the abuses meted out to you because everything has a price;
- Define your relationship with Michael to save him from your emotional tango. If you love Michael and wish to continue your undefined relationship, please be kind enough to progress dissolution of your union with Willie
When you take the right steps towards integrity, you will naturally regain your DIGNITY.
Whatever your choice, here is wishing you the best.
Yours Emotionally, Nellie Onwuchekwa
———————————————————-
Dear Willie,
Thank you for your patience and understanding throughout the ‘intrusive’ discourse on a matter so sensitive. We only wanted to get facts of the case in order to provide feedback without sentiments.
There is no doubt that you ‘love’ your wife ‘very much’ – and you want your wife back. It is, however, unfortunate that you seem to speak about your wife like a lost piece of furniture. During the sessions, you talked about “how much it cost me to marry her”, “how I have attended to all here needs, without sparing costs’, I give her anything she asks for, no matter how much it costs’, “how I have loved and taken care of her family”, etc. Little is however said to demonstrate emotional connection, commitment and attention to ensuring emotional stability of your marriage.
You admitted that Constance is ‘expected to fear’ you as a husband. You also expect her to align with you on EVERY ISSUE – irrespective of her opinion or perspective. Again, and disappointingly, three (3) years ago, you refused Constance (who has a MBA from a reputable University), not be involved in the running of your business when she offered her services – to give you the reassurance of her faithfulness. This led to her seeking paid employment elsewhere. Despite the aforementioned, you want her to be open about her official work-life.
It is important that you remember that marriage is a partnership between two people that love themselves and have committed to live together in love, respect and harmony for the rest of their God-given lives. Regardless of your claim of love for Constance, you did not show an ounce of respect for her. You repeatedly judged Constance using your late wife’s standard… “Monique would never do that” reverberated throughout the sessions with you. You cannot slaughter Constance on the altar of Monique. This is totally unacceptable and puts your wife constantly under pressure
Husbands are expected to support and encourage their wives to achieve their God-given potential. You see in Constance, your wife, a Competitor – instead of a HELP-MEET. Also, your daughter, Yvonne has a degree of influence on you. It is pertinent to point out that Constance is YOUR WIFE. Monique, no matter the virtues, is dead.
Action Steps:
- Invite your wife and have a discussion (heart to heart); apologize in areas you know you are wrong. Accepting your mistakes is NOT as sign of weakness, rather, a show of strength.
- Ask your wife honestly if your marriage has future – and show willingness to repair broken bridges/ridges. Listen to Constance with an OPEN HEART & MIND
- Have a session with your daughter, Yvonne. She needs to understand you need Constance. Encourage her to focus on her marriage, while you work things out with Constance.
- Work on the ‘challenges’ in your sexual relationship with your wife. There are ways to satisfy you both sexually – feel free to ask.
- Upon reconciliation with Constance (God Willing), create a harmonious environment in your home and ensure your children respect YOUR WIFE!!!
NOTE: You are well aware of the age gap between you and your wife. Age, they say, is a number. However, when there are health challenges, you require love, attention, respect and understanding from your spouse to carry on. Communication is key. Do not stop communicating.
Dear Willie, separate FAMILY from your marriage. Pursue peace and tread the path of reconciliation. At 63, you need emotional stability, not crisis. You want your wife back – however, she wants her DIGNITY back!!!
All the best …and stay blessed.
Yours Emotionally,
Nellie Onwuchekwa
——————————————————-
Send your QUESTIONS and CONCERNS to NELLIE directly, click >>>
Leave a Reply