Growing up, my father was my BEST friend and my WALL of Gibraltar. He was an easy-going sea-faring gentleman, who knew how to take care of ONE Woman – my mother. He was strong-willed and a disciplinarian and gave no room for excuses for failure. He was admired as he was revered by young and old. We never saw our father betray any form of emotion. We all called him a “Man of Steel”. Each time we idolized my father, my mother would silently shake her head, and smile to herself.
One day, I returned home from school to learn that Mom was very sick and had been hospitalized. I accompanied Dad to pay her a visit, observed my father was visibly shaken, as he looked her over – with all the equipment connections. After the doctor’s routine examination, my father knelt down beside my unconscious mother to pray for Divine Healing. Rather than say a prayer, my father sobbed uncontrollably – to my utmost embarrassment.
I rushed out of the room confused and devastated. To the best of my naïve mind, “real men do not cry; real men are made of steel’. Why would my father, an ex-soldier and an experienced seaman crumble needlessly? As the theatre of life moved me from one stage to the other, I realized that a man is as weak as he is strong. The strongest of men are known to be deeply emotional. In their love, men are also very weak.
This mental picture sets the scene for Emotionally Yours encounter with Kizito three decades later. A man of humble background, Kizito’s education was made possible by a special scholarship contest. Kizito beat 1069 others to clinch the scholarship award when he was 21 years old. His sponsors, a multinational oil corporation, created additional requirement as key consideration for employment: students on scholarship consistently maintain an A Grade on at least 80% of his subjects throughout the four years of study. Kizito shocked the Corporation by sustaining a 100% A Grade throughout his study. Kizito, at 25, became an employee of one of the most prestigious multinational oil corporations in the country. Today, 20 years later, Kizito, a very successful Chemical Engineer is emotionally troubled and conflicted.
When the multinational oil and gas corporation hired Kizito as a Star Employee. This placed him under immense pressure – loved and admired by some and ‘loathed’ by those who felt he was simply an opportunist. Some of the older colleagues felt Kizito was a product of ‘favouritsm’. Irrespective of the faction, Kizito was a Controversy on Arrival. This misperception created a hostile environment and had an emotional impact on his ability to interact or socialize within the organization. He became a hermit and workaholic. His supervisors only admired him because he was productive and dependable. However, his social life suffered as he put in an average of 12 hours at work.
When turned 30, his friends from the university organized a birthday party for him at an expensive restaurant. He met Veronica, a Senior Sales Executive in one of the major Telecommunications Companies. They hit it off and got married within six months. They were in love and inseparable. Within five years of marriage, Kizito and Veronica were blessed with the arrival of three children – Vera, Kosi and Michael.
During their 10th wedding anniversary, Veronica suddenly became gravely ill and was rushed to the hospital for emergency surgery due to badly ruptured appendicitis. She died 48 hours after the surgery due to complications. Naturally, Kizito was grief-stricken and suicidal, but the awareness of the impact of the loss on the children held him back. Family and friends rallied round him to condole with him as well as provide domestic support. However, to help him overcome or numb his grief, Kizito applied for transfer out of his current station and was obliged. He was relocated abroad with his children.
After seven (7) years, he returned to the in-country headquarters of his company as Engineering Manager. He continued his holistic focus on his job and children – with zero hour for personal life. He admitted to his best friend, Frank, that he had not been with any woman since he became a widower. His parents were worried and pressured him to remarry, but he would not even consider the thought – until he met Adesuwa, who is about five years older than Kizito.
In Adesuwa, Kizito found a mother, sister, confidant and guardian. Adesuwa, a divorcee with two adult children from her first marriage is set on ensuring Kizito makes “commitment to holy matrimony”. However, Kizito is emotionally unsettled and clearly conflicted. After two sessions with him, Kizito agreed to organize his emotional conflicts into a communication to Emotionally Yours. His letter provided the foundational basis for his internal conflict which is currently affecting his work, relationship with his children and Adesuwa who is set on marrying Kizito.
“Dear Emotionally Yours,
I want to thank you for your patience during our previous face-to-face discussion on my peculiar problem. Initially, I felt awkward, but was surprised by how you gently guided the discussions and made me discuss very painful episodes of my life from a comic stance. I am really encouraged to table my conflicts to enable you analyze independently.
I will not repeat the painful circumstances that made me lose my first true love and the mother of my priceless jewels. When Veronica said she wanted children in quick succession to free her from secondary infertility possibilities, I was worried; little did I know that a Divine Hand was propelling it. Today, Vera 16, Kosi 14 and Michael 13, are my greatest joy and fulfillment. Vera is a 100% ‘reincarnation’ of Veronica – a High Definition Scan Version – only prettier due to innocence.
Since Veronica’s death seven years ago, I have taken care of my children alone. How I have been able to cope with three teenagers is still baffling, but I give thanks to God. At 47 – approaching 48 years, I am very fulfilled. Incidentally, I have also come to the point where the children are focused on their education. I refused a Boarding School for them, as I need to come home and go over their assignments – as well monitoring their school challenges. My weekends are dedicated to mentoring and counseling them – and they look forward to weekends because I am able to give them quality time.
I met Adesuwa and fell in love with her maturity, knowledge and faith. Her commitment to church programs and non-for-profit organizations is inspiring. Her two sons (26 and 22 years old) display a high level of discipline. She is also admired and respected by her friends. Notwithstanding that she is five years older than me, she shows me respect. However, there are areas of slight disagreement and misalignment of thoughts that have kept me uneasy about moving to the next level of expectation – marriage.
Adesuwa insists that OUR children could be an impediment to our happiness in marriage. There is no reasoning with her on this matter as she states that she has ‘brought up two grown men’ to know that my teenage children ‘would be in the way’. According to Adesuwa, we should “restart our life without impediment of children.” Incidentally, Adesuwa’s children have completed their university education, while mine are in secondary school.
Another source of discomfort is her desire for us to relocate to another city without work consideration. She wants me to retire, get my benefits and join her in business, and have enough time for each other – and have a baby of our own. According to Adesuwa, she had a ‘vision and revelation’ that the Company will soon collapse.
I love Adesuwa – not the way I loved my wife. Adesuwa gives me a sense of security and peace. She is not beautiful in the ways of the world, but she is charming and intelligent. I get the chilly feeling whenever she talks about having “our baby”. Between Adesuwa and I there are five children – two adults and three teenage children. Medically, at 54, she is past childbearing age and at 47, I am not looking forward to changing diapers and day care center regime. If we didn’t have children that consideration could have been logical.
I have lost count of how many times I tried to have meaningful discussion on these issues with her, but every effort ends in a major disagreement and tempestuous quarrels. My family believes that I am’ under some sought of influence’. My children are not comfortable with the relationship because Adesuwa seems set on ‘ostracizing’ me from my children. Vera, my 17 year old is very outspoken and threatened to run away. Vera is the split image of Veronica, my late wife. Unfortunately, Adesuwa has not done much to win the love of the children; she tells me that I ought to have trained my children to be emotionally independent – whatever that means.
I love Adesuwa deeply and adore my children very much. I cannot imagine a life without my children. We have a bond/connection that is unimaginable. I am torn between love for my children and Adesuwa. Is Adesuwa toying with my emotions by making impossible demands?”
At this time, Kizito’s emotional problems have been impacting on his productivity at the company. His performance rating has gone down to below average – to the amazement of his Supervisor and Mentor. Also his relationship with his children, especially Vera, has gone frosty. Kizito’s emotions stand on a TRIPOD – Work, Children and Adesuwa. The conflict is further deepened, as neither Adesuwa nor the children are ready to shift ground.
To understand the perspective of Kizito’s children, an appointment was scheduled with Vera, the oldest of his children. An intelligent, smart but unassuming Vera posited:
“Madam Adesuwa is using foul powers to lure our father from his work and family. He is an excellent Engineer and has several Excellence Awards to show – including one for ‘Breakthrough Invention’. He is far from retirement and has no health challenges that could be given as the reason for retirement. I am about to start my university education later in the year. My brothers are still in secondary school; why would he consider retiring and relocating to some remote town. It is incredible that people can be that selfish…”
Furthermore, Vera stated they don’t have good relationship with Adesuwa.
“She is uppity and self-centered. Marrying my father will mean enslavement for us. I already told my grand parents (Maternal and Paternal), that the day my father legalizes his relationship with Madam Adesuwa, he ceases to be our father. He is all we have since Mom died. Our grandparents have told my father that Madam Adesuwa is evil and has an agenda that could cost his life. They have also been good to us, but no one can take over the role of your true parents. Our father has been the one taking care of us since Mom died over seven years ago.
“Did my father tell you that the her son tried to rape me in my own home? My brothers saved me from the beast. I reported the incident to my father, and, for the first time in my life, I didn’t recognize him. Madam Adesuwa told him that I wore sexy lingerie to entice her son…Can you imagine that my father bought it – hook, line and sinker! You know what? Growing up, my mother forbade me from wearing nighties except pajamas (top and trouser). I have never worn any lingerie in my life. My father has lost it… I and my brothers are praying for him as marrying that woman will only spell doom for my brothers and I. Worst case scenario for me would be early marriage, but, what about my brothers? God is not sleeping. He will intervene…”
Discussions with Vera ended with an emotional note with Emotionally Yours Team. Everyone was moist and battling to hold the tears from coming down our cheeks. The battle for Kizito by Adesuwa has had an immeasurable emotional impact on his children, as they no longer speak to their father.
Emotionally Yours Program Counselor advised on the need to speak with Adesuwa. Adesuwa refused to meet with us; however, during the brief telephone discussion, I asked her “How do you plan to live with Kizito’s children if you marry him eventually?” She quipped “Hell No. I am marrying the man with no baggage allowance on this trip. Bye.”
Adesuwa’s answer, taken at face value, confirmed Vera’s fears that Adesuwa did not mean well. A barrage of questions coursed through my head: Why is Adesuwa doing this? Does she really love Kizito? Why is Adesuwa insensitive to the feelings of the children? Why is she not surrendering any grounds at all? Why is she bent of making the lives of these children an eternal misery…
Many Questions and postulations without answers…
It is pertinent to state that Adesuwa’s response provided zero sentiments in responding to Kizito’s emotionally torn mail on the problem. ‘Love’ sometimes can cause behavioural disharmony. ‘Love’ expressed by emotional twists and turn, hills and valleys and general disorientation. Whenever our emotional state begins to affect commonsensical reasoning, it becomes dangerous, and, sometimes, lethal. Many deadly mistakes have been made in defense of ‘love’ or emotions. The intertwined nature of ‘love’ and ‘emotion’ make some to blind-side the truth. For, true love is RATIONAL and BENEFICIAL.
Based on the foregoing, response to Kizito was crisp and straight to the point devoid of sentiments.
My Dear Kizito,
Your communication on above subject matter a month ago here refers.
Your emotional disposition at this time is unfortunate; clearly you are conflicted and dithering about where the pendulum should fitfully swing. The question that comes to mind is “Can true love evoke these negative emotions and conflicts?” The answer is clearly ‘NO’. Therefore permit us to take components of this basket of confusion separately to enable you reach rational conclusion
Adesuwa:
The woman at the center of your confusion is a successful, self-assured woman with a very independent spirit. She seems dictatorial in determining the structure of your relationship by ‘directing’ you retire from work, invest your gratuity into a joint business, run a joint account and send your children away – either Boarding Houses or ‘abroad’. Your voice seems lost, as you did not raise a differing opinion.
True love is not designed to cause pain or confusion. True love causes harmony by gathering all discordant variables into a collective rhythm and dance. True love has inbuilt welding and sieving mechanism for the collective good. Your ‘love’ for Adesuwa seems far removed from all elements of true love. It has brought you mental and emotional instability – having negative effect on your performance at work. It is also affecting the harmony you have enjoyed at home with your children.
If Adesuwa truly loves you, she will be sensitive to matters that affect you. She knows that you love your children; she knows that you cannot be at peace if you are suddenly separated from them. Above all, as a mother, she knows that the children are at the most critical stage of their emotional and mental development – they are teenagers. Anyone who loves you unconditionally will value the things or issues that will negatively affect you.
Adesuwa’s ‘love’ for you is questionable. A love that leaves you an emotional wreck and crippled is not a recommended entanglement or liaison. You need to re-evaluate that ‘feeling’ and put it to test, using time tested values and variables – some of which have been earlier outline.
Adesuwa’s Quest for Early Retirement:
Adesuwa made your early retirement one of the conditions for marrying you. From her perspective, your terminal benefits will be invested in her current business, expand her current ‘profitable’ business and have you as Executive Chairman. From our discussion, it was deduced that you are not ‘inclined to doing business’. You have job satisfaction and fulfillment; therefore, do not desire to quit, especially, with company’s children educational benefits included in your current remuneration. Again, though your performance appraisal is wanting, there is no threat to your job security.
Kizito, it is clear that Adesuwa does not have your best interest at heart by suggesting early retirement – for the sole reason of expanding a business you know absolutely nothing about.
Furthermore, her plan for relocation to a new city is generally disturbing; a sentiment shared by you parents, close friends, associates and most importantly, your children. Clearly, Adesuwa’s desire is to ‘uproot’ you from everyone you love because you have neither visited the intended location, nor have any friend or associate there. This kind of ‘love’ is very suspicious.
Kizito, please listen to your inner man.
Your children:
During our sessions, you described your children as your jewels. Jewels need to be cared for and appreciated. Vera was nearly raped under your roof by Adesuwa’s son, Frank; rather than berate him, you believed Adesuwa’s submission that your daughter was romantically enticing her son. Vera is hurt and does with Adesuwa who judged, rather than empathize with her. She also did not reproach her son, which is an indication that she is weak disciplining her children.
It is evident that Adesuwa does not have a motherly instinct, as she has not made any efforts to initiate the process for harmonious living among the children (hers and yours).
Also, Adesuwa’s plan to send your children to some ‘far away institution’ is very disturbing. There is nothing wrong with your children going to a Boarding School, but it becomes suspicious if it is condition precedent for your marriage. As a mother, she ought to know that teenage years are the most critical in a child’s development. It can be deduced that Adesuwa’s seeming dictatorial directive on the children is making them rebellious.
Kizito, your children love you very much, so, carefully think through issues concerning your children; make an effort to discuss with them in order to understand their perspective(s). A vacation alone with the children will provide the enabling environment for them to vent and table their charter of demands and needs with regard to Adesuwa and your good self.
We are optimistic that you will make the right decision.
Yours Emotionally,
Nellie Onwuchekwa
Emotionally Yours
Five months later, an excited Kizito visited our office with a big thank you cake. According to Kizito, Adesuwa had insisted on being part of the vacation schedule. “I told her that I needed to spend some quality time with the children. Since Adesuwa came into my life, I suddenly realized that I didn’t have time for my Vera, Kosi and Mike. Hell was let loose and Adesuwa went berserk insisting she must come with us. Vera challenged her and during the heated exchange, Adesuwa said “My feet have been planted in this house and nothing, absolutely nothing, nobody can uproot me.” I was taken aback because there was no competition for my heart. I am a straightforward man, and I don’t believe in having multiple partners. She swore that she would make sure I lost my job if she is left behind. She was like someone deranged – a total stranger. I couldn’t help but wonder what the problem was. I took the decision right there to get Adesuwa out of our lives for good. Oh, how she toyed with my emotions. She is very desperate. Men ought to be careful of such desperados.”
During the trip, Kizito and the children met Antoinette, his late wife’s friend who is now widowed. Vera and her brothers connected with Antoinette’s two adorable teenage daughters, making the vacation fun-filled. Antoinette, a medical doctor was thrilled to meet with Veronica’s children and bonded easily, telling them stories of their late mother.
Since their return, Antoinette and her daughters have been spending long hours and weekends with Kizito’s family. Kizito says, “I am truly at peace. Antoinette is great with the children. She is a disciplinarian, but she also offers prices for good behaviour. She is firm and fair in her dealings with all the children. The future is in God’s hands, but I am free…”
Emotional Piggy Bank
Love is the greatest gift from God. Without love, our lives would be colourless and meaningless. To love is to live and to connect physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually and materially. Love means enduring the worst habit and helping your beloved navigate through a variety of painful emotions to overcome that bad habit. The joy that comes from triumphing over negative habits (hand-in-hand with the person you love) is overwhelming.
True Love gives life the Rainbow-Effect. However, it is important to understand HOW your ‘love’ evolves. True love influences behaviour positively, and it is rational and sensible. Blind? No! True love INFLUENCES and REINFORCES positive attitude in us. True love refines and modifies our behaviour and overall disposition to life’s challenges with our partners. Thus, It is pertinent to keep emotions on the rational plane whenever conflicts arise. Conflicts help us to get the cobwebs of our emotions out and enables us experience the beauty of love in all its ramifications as enshrined in the Good Book – I Corinthians 13.
