Life is filled with twists and turns. One day it is so perfect and the next, it is all gloomy. But these valleys, cliffs and mountains make life exciting. For some, what I call ‘excitement’ is emotional stress.

Shortly after Anne’s ‘MUTUAL POLYGAMY’ story was published, (read Anne’s Story) a 63-year old Willie called us requesting assistance to get his wife back. Willie loves and dotes at his wife. He should, because Constance, a paradigm of beauty and brains, is 47 years old – 16 years younger than her husband. For the purpose of this expose, I want to first submit Willie’s perspective in this emotional tango.

Willie, a widower, met ‘delectable’ Constance who was a Product Marketing Professional. Willie is cut out of the old stock of money and style. Willie is from a ‘Wealthy’ family – wealthy from every perspective and consideration. Left with four (4) children by his first love, Monique, who died after ‘a brief illness’, Willie was excited when Constance accepted to marry him.

Constance, a First Class graduate of Economics ‘worships’ as well as ‘fears’ her husband. She is not allowed to contradict him, otherwise, face financial sanctions or have some privileges denied. They have been married for about seven (7) years and have a five-year-old son, Brian who Willie loves very much. Willie’s other children from Monique are adults and live on their own. His daughter Yvonne (35) never supported her father’s choice, as she wanted her father to either marry a widow or a divorcee with children. Yvonne believes Constance married her father for his money and could not be trusted.

According to Willie, “I know she is having an affair with a younger man. I know because she no longer spends time at home with us (myself and Brian). She comes home late from work daily. When I was very sick and hospitalized, she refused to visit me at the hospital, but travelled to another state for some ‘urgent and critical official’ work. She does not come into our bedroom anymore, but complains she needs to stay up late to work…I am not a small boy, I know something is wrong. I love my wife, and I need help to get her back”.

Willie was really moist speaking with us. To show his desire to get to the bottom of this crisis of confidence and resolve issues with his wife, he gave us a number we could reach Constance on…. And we did speak with her.

Constance confessed she has emotional interests outside her matrimonial home due to “emotional abuse”. According to her, Willie always makes reference to “how much he bought the car; how much he bought my hair; how much my allowances are costing him and why I should be glad he married me in spite of pressures from his children.”

“My husband makes veiled references to my background. Yes, I come from a very humble background. Call us poor. Yes, I wanted my family to benefit from the relationship. And, Willie has been good to my family. However, constantly reminding me of these things is harassing me emotionally… I am not happy about the situation. I am not thinking divorce because my son is attached to my husband. I am an emotional wreck right now and really confused.

“I care deeply about Willie, but I am not sure I love him in the real sense of the word LOVE. For me love died with my first love, Victor, who left me for another woman. I just wanted to have a companion who was older than me and could pamper me like my late father. Willie fitted the bill, but his daily disrespect and abuse is driving me mad. I am not an illiterate…his daughter is also not helping in this regard. I had to look for ‘sanity’ elsewhere’ – my work.”

Constance decided to focus on her career and was assigned a Mentor/Coach at her office – as part of Personnel Development program by the Human Resources Department. Her Mentor/Coach, Michael (52) is divorced and lives with his three children. Michael has been a source of encouragement to Constance. Between them, personal confidences have been shared – and something ‘BIG’ is growing gradually…

Constance spoke with candor about her ‘involvement’ with Michael, but believes that she was ‘driven into another man’s arms by her husband.

In her own words: “There is no denying the fact that I find Michael attractive and fun to be with. He respects me and does not judge me. I don’t walk or stand on edge when I am with him. He is very supportive professionally and my productivity at work has really improved. He gives me a sense of emotional stability and professional confidence…. Do I love him? I don’t know…but he is definitely not a ‘fling’. I am looking at a deep friendship. One thing I am sure about is, I don’t want to stay with a man who sees me as an ACQUISITION…. I thought he could change, but he gets worse each day…”

Could lack of sex be the issue? Constance says “Not really…but it is contributory. When you marry, it is for “better” or “worse”. If lack of sex is the ‘worse’ part of your marriage vows due to his health challenge, there are other ways to make up…. Sex is not everything”. However, Willie believes that his inability to make love to his wife regularly, and gradual loss of libido is a major factor…

Critical Questions: How can we help Willie and Constance regain an emotional balance? Is Michael playing a negative role in this Marriage?

Two things are clear: Willie wants his Wife back; but Constance wants her Dignity back!!!

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Dear Constance,

Sessions with you were emotion-laden. We appreciate your openness and honesty as you opened up on the “emotional entrapment called marriage”. We agree you have had a ‘frightful’ marriage, but it was a relationship you entered willingly.

You submitted that you did NOT MARRY FOR LOVE. That is truly sad for a well-educated young woman of 40 (when you married Willie). An African proverb says: “he who gathers ant-infested firewood should be ready for the dance’. You further admitted that you married for the money in order to help your family. These reasons led to how you were perceived by Willie and her children. You sacrificed love on the altar of self-aggrandizement and ‘family pressure’.

These reasons are enough reasons for Willie’s family members to be apprehensive of your ‘interest in poor Willie who had recently lost his beloved Monique.

Understandably, Yvonne, your stepdaughter is sensitive about the situation. Daughters have the natural tendency to be over protective of their parents – especially, their father. Thus, you need to understand Yvonne and make an effort reassure her that you truly love and care for her father (if you have eventually grown to love Willie) – to the best of you ability. This is not to suggest that you have to grovel and beg her to be on your side. Always steer the path of PEACE as there is never a bad peace.

Another issue is Communication. Despite your faulty entry into marriage with Willie, it is expected that communication channels be open. No desperate desire to be married to a wealthy man should make a wife unable to discuss issues with her husband.

Without sentiments, I hold you responsible for the accepting years of emotional abuse, emotional battery and, sometimes, physical abuse you suffered in your marriage. Your quest for ‘the elegant lifestyle of the wealthy and famous’ kept you encapsulated. Rather than make effort to free yourself via counseling, you found an ‘escape in work and Michael…” You return daily to a “mansion of agony” to traumatize Willie with jealousy. You are using Michael to satisfy your sexual needs; this is not fair to Michael who is ignorant of the situation, as you do not love him.

You cannot solve a problem by creating another. Thus, you need to:

• Introspect and tell yourself the hard truth about your situation;

• A marriage without love is COHABITATION. If that is what you want, accept all the abuses meted out to you because everything has a price;

• Define your relationship with Michael to save him from your emotional tango. If you love Michael and wish to continue your undefined relationship, please be kind enough to progress dissolution of your union with Willie

When you take the right steps towards integrity, you will naturally regain your DIGNITY.

Whatever your choice, here is wishing you the best.

Yours Emotionally, Nellie Onwuchekwa

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Dear Willie,

Thank you for your patience and understanding throughout the ‘intrusive’ discourse on a matter so sensitive. We only wanted to get facts of the case in order to provide feedback without sentiments.

There is no doubt that you ‘love’ your wife ‘very much’ – and you want your wife back. It is, however, unfortunate that you seem to speak about your wife like a lost piece of furniture. During the sessions, you talked about “how much it cost me to marry her”, “how I have attended to all here needs, without sparing costs’, I give her anything she asks for, no matter how much it costs’, “how I have loved and taken care of her family”, etc. Little is however said to demonstrate emotional connection, commitment and attention to ensuring emotional stability of your marriage.

You admitted that Constance is ‘expected to fear’ you as a husband. You also expect her to align with you on EVERY ISSUE – irrespective of her opinion or perspective. Again, and disappointingly, three (3) years ago, you refused Constance (who has a MBA from a reputable University), not be involved in the running of your business when she offered her services – to give you the reassurance of her faithfulness. This led to her seeking paid employment elsewhere. Despite the aforementioned, you want her to be open about her official work-life.

It is important that you remember that marriage is a partnership between two people that love themselves and have committed to live together in love, respect and harmony for the rest of their God-given lives. Regardless of your claim of love for Constance, you did not show an ounce of respect for her. You repeatedly judged Constance using your late wife’s standard… “Monique would never do that” reverberated throughout the sessions with you. You cannot slaughter Constance on the altar of Monique. This is totally unacceptable and puts your wife constantly under pressure

Husbands are expected to support and encourage their wives to achieve their God-given potential. You see in Constance, your wife, a Competitor – instead of a HELP-MEET. Also, your daughter, Yvonne has a degree of influence on you. It is pertinent to point out that Constance is YOUR WIFE. Monique, no matter the virtues, is dead.

Action Steps:

• Invite your wife and have a discussion (heart to heart); apologize in areas you know you are wrong. Accepting your mistakes is NOT as sign of weakness, rather, a show of strength.

• Ask your wife honestly if your marriage has future – and show willingness to repair broken bridges/ridges. Listen to Constance with an OPEN HEART & MIND

• Have a session with your daughter, Yvonne. She needs to understand you need Constance. Encourage her to focus on her marriage, while you work things out with Constance.

• Work on the ‘challenges’ in your sexual relationship with your wife. There are ways to satisfy you both sexually – feel free to ask.

• Upon reconciliation with Constance (God Willing), create a harmonious environment in your home and ensure your children respect YOUR WIFE!!!

NOTE: You are well aware of the age gap between you and your wife. Age, they say, is a number. However, when there are health challenges, you require love, attention, respect and understanding from your spouse to carry on. Communication is key. Do not stop communicating.

Dear Willie, separate FAMILY from your marriage. Pursue peace and tread the path of reconciliation. At 63, you need emotional stability, not crisis. You want your wife back – however, she wants her DIGNITY back!!!

All the best …and stay blessed.

Yours Emotionally,

Nellie Onwuchekwa

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My Dear Nellie,

“My name is Anne. I have been married for 18 years. I am a banker and my Husband is a businessman. We are blessed with two wonderful children. My son is 10 years old, while my daughter is 13. They are both doing well in school. “About 6 weeks ago my husband, Fred, confirmed to me that he has a “wife material” he is in love with.

They met on 3rd Mainland Bridge (Lagos, Nigeria) on his from work when he assisted a ‘lonely lady’ who had a flat tyre about 18 months ago. As a matter of fact, I recollect that he came home usually late that day.

He did explain how he played the ‘Good Samaritan’ to a ‘distressed lady’. Little did I know that that chance meeting and the Good Samaritan role would impact our marriage negatively….He now wants “Mutual Polygamy” as he coined the concept of accepting his mistress as his wife and living together “in holy matrimony”… Really Weird!!!

Fred, my husband, wants me to accept Gloria (that is her name) as a part of OUR life – as he has pledged his ‘undying love’ to her. He says he loves us equally! I really do not know where “Mutual Polygamy” came from – maybe it was created to address the crisis that best describes our marriage. According to Fred, he loves me and cannot give me up; nor would he give up his relationship with this “Angel of my Dream”.

Fred constantly praises her work, intelligence, sound business judgment – even celebrates Gloria’s major business breakthroughs at home. However, Fred has never allowed the relationship with Gloria to come between us – nor affect the children in any way.  They are still ignorant that Daddy has a bride in waiting …What a world! He begged me “not to tell the children yet”.

My husband has remained very attentive – even more caring since he revealed his ‘mutual polygamy plan’ to me. For me, these last 6 weeks have been filled with emotional stress and trauma. However, Fred carries on without any cares – as if all is well…I begin to wish he never told me this ‘earthshaking’ information.

Oh God, why did we covenant not to keep secrets on our wedding night – no matter how bad? I wish to God that Fred just continued with his affairs outside secretly…

Last week, I went to see his eldest sister for advice. Auntie Christy (she is 56 years old) was very calm and understanding. She confirmed that Fred told her about Gloria, but she advised her brother to quit the relationship. However, when she saw Fred’s firm resolve, she told him I deserved to know if he is determined to get another wife.

Traditionally, my consent would be required for Fred to get another wife ‘officially’. Aunty Christy submitted that she could not advise me because she loves Fred and I equally. She would not want to be in the middle of this ‘messy conflict’.

Auntie Jane, Christy’s friend, asked me what I really wanted. She said: “Anne, mutual polygamy means you will accept Gloria as your husband’s wife and be willing to progress marital rites with your husband. You will consent that you both live happily as mature adults (like our mothers loved and shared the love of one man in ancient times). The other choice is to allow Fred to marry Gloria and seek divorce. Young lady, these are hard choices to make…You need to retreat and seek help or professional counsel.”

I love my family. My husband and I practically grew up together. I have known my husband all my life; he was and is still the only man I have ever known. Above all, I still love Fred. I cannot live without him and cannot live with this concept of mutual polygamy…I feel like taking my life now, but for my children.

Please help me.  Sincerely yours, ANNE

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My dearest Anne,

I wish to reiterate all we discussed on above subject to ensure clarity and alignment.

 One of the things that easily beset us is taking decisions during a period of emotional stress. First thing we aligned on is that “No one is so important as to make you end your life. You can only destroy what you can create.” Since your life is sacred and living is not entirely dependent on Fred, it would be most foolish to end your life under the circumstances. Your children will be forever stigmatized by that action… So, perish that thought!!!

“Mutual Polygamy” is not really a strange concept as Auntie Christy pointed out. However, under the umbrella of a Holy Matrimony in which Fred vowed to keep to only you, mutual polygamy is a juxtaposition of his vow/covenant.

Your Aunties (Christy and Jane) are wise women. Only you can decide how to proceed under this strange arrangement. However, these questions are pertinent:

• Do you love Fred UNCONDITIONALLY to the degree of sharing him    
• with Gloria to make him happy?
• Would you be willing to explain the strange arrangement to your children? Children are smarter than we give them credit. They surely have mentally noted their father’s behaviour and are waiting for the right time to ask ‘uncomfortable’ questions.
• Do you honestly think you can sacrifice your emotions and love on the ‘altar’ of pleasing a man who clearly told you Gloria, his mistress is a “wife material” and “angel of my dreams”? This means you are clearly not a ‘wife material’ – by his calculations?

f your answers are YES to these questions, then please go ahead and ENDURE A MARRIAGE OF MUTUAL POLYGAMY – approved by your good self.

Furthermore, it is important to spend time on INTROSPECTION – a period of SELF-SEARCH. My rational questions to you are:

• Do you think you have contributed overtly or inadvertently to Fred’s ‘strange’ behavior?

• Have you honestly been a good and attentive wife?

• Is your sex life active and healthy? How good is your sex life, really?

• Do you have a strong bond and friendship that breaks all barriers?

• Do you spend sufficient time together as a couple?

• After 18 years of marriage, do you still spark and ignite emotionally without restraint?

• Are your emotions on lose ends when both of you are alone watching his favourite program?

Note that Fred submitted that Gloria is ingenious with business ideas. Quick question: Do you find time to discuss his business or take interest in his struggles? The truth is that men emotionally gravitate to anyone who can fill an emotional and rational void. Fred had been in need of someone who understands his daily struggles as a businessman in an environment that is economically depressed – thus, easily fell for a self-assured, defiant and economically independent woman, who also understands the challenges of being an entrepreneur.

 As a Banker, you ought to have understood his challenges much deeply, but Gloria came to fill that ‘void’ created by you. Sadly, that is the plain, uncoated truth – without sentiments…

 I know your heart is broken and you are devastated; however, I need you to understand that Fred is being conflicted and considerate at the same time. I know what it means to be in this kind of emotional mess. I know your heart is torn to shreds and you feel very betrayed by the one and only man you have known all your life… My dearest Anne, only YOU can determine the next steps you need to take.

 My immediate advise is: Take time off on a Personal Retreat. Pool all the issues in a box and work it out alone with God. Only He can give you the Divine Wisdom and Strength to make the right decision.

 Dear Anne, please accept what has happened and make life-changing decisions – to either accept MUTUAL POLYGAMY or MUTUAL DIVORCEMENT.

 God bless you. Yours Emotionally’, Nellie Onwuchekwa

Send your QUESTIONS and CONCERNS to NELLIE directly, click >>>

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